It’s been a few days. I’ll be honest, I miss you a little. When I woke up the other day and decided to let you go, I still was unsure about it. After all, we have had so many good times together.
When did we meet? I think I was 16 or so. But it wasn’t until I turned 21 that we really started to hang out more. With you, I felt like I could do anything. You always made me feel so beautiful, so full of life, so creative, so brave. We have made so many friends together and lost some, too. You are always there – at all the parties, the holidays, every celebration. You are there when I just need to escape, to relax.
But you’ve burdened me from the very beginning; I just was too naive to see it. You’ve used me and manipulated me into thinking that I was making progress, when all you were doing was holding me back. Yet, for some reason, your charm kept pulling me back in. I feel so ignorant for not seeing the signs sooner.
Even though I gave you so much of me through the years, you haven’t done the same for me. You’ve turned me into a different person. You’ve abused me, but I know I’ve done the same to you, too. You’ve chased away so many people that I really loved. You’ve made me do and say things that I will regret for the rest of my life. I’ve made excuses for you over and over again, even after you’ve left me ashamed and embarrassed… but why? I’ve been asking myself this everyday. You were so possessive of me – why couldn’t you let me be happy?
Now you’ve left me bruised – maybe even broken – to the point where I don’t know how I can keep going. You’ve made me question everything; you’ve stripped me of my confidence and have left me in a pool of self-doubt. It’s because of you that I couldn’t get out of bed for days. It’s because of you that I feel hopeless and damaged. It’s because of you that I feel like I’m not worth loving. It’s because of you that I don’t even love myself. I just can’t do it anymore. I think I deserve better.
With what little I have left, I know that I have a decision to make. I know that I can’t continue in this toxic relationship anymore. I’m sorry, but I have to depart from you for good. I wish we could still be friends, but I need to make a clean break. I know that some might understand, but I also know that some might not. I’m ready to be vulnerable. I’m ready to take the risk of living without you.
I know it’s going to be challenging. I know I am going to struggle. I know I am still going to think about you often. Hell, I’m thinking about you now. And, I’m sure we will cross paths, because after all, my family and friends still enjoy to have you around. But, this is it for me.
So, this is where it ends for us, friend.
Goodbye, and good riddance.
About the Author: Ashley is a 32-year-old single mother, college student, Certified Peer Support Specialist, and founder of GHOST IN MY BEDROOM, a mental health and addiction recovery initiative where she blogs about her recovery from alcohol, depression, self-harm, and an eating disorder. She prides herself on her relatable and humorous approach to recovery, and spends her free time advocating for the importance of mental health in order to help fight and eliminate the stigma associated with having a mental illness diagnosis.